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The Outlaws | |
Author | Richmal Crompton |
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Published |
1922
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Language | English |
Nationality | British |
Genre | Children's Literature, Humor |
1922 Short Story
The Outlaws
The Outlaws is an English Children's Literature, Humor short story by British writer Richmal Crompton. It was first published in 1922. The Outlaws was published in Crompton's short story series, Just-William (1922). He's not much of a babysitter, that's for sure. illustrated by Thomas Henry.
The Outlaws
by Richmal Crompton
It was a half-holiday and William was in his bedroom making careful preparations for the afternoon. On the mantel-piece stood in readiness half a cake (the result of a successful raid on the larder) and a bottle of licorice water. This beverage was made by shaking up a piece of licorice in water. It was much patronised by the band of Outlaws to which William belonged and which met secretly every half-holiday in a disused barn about a quarter of a mile from Williams house.
So far the Outlaws had limited their activities to wrestling matches, adventure seeking, and culinary operations. The week before, they had cooked two sausages which William had taken from the larder on cooks night out and had conveyed to the barn beneath his shirt and next his skin. Perhaps cooked is too euphemistic a term. To be quite accurate, they had held the sausages over a smoking fire till completely blackened, and then consumed the charred remains with the utmost relish.
William put the bottle of licorice water in one pocket and the half cake in another and was preparing to leave the house in his usual stealthy fashionthrough the bathroom window, down the scullery roof, and down the water-pipe hand over hand to the back garden. Even when unencumbered by the presence of a purloined half cake, William infinitely preferred this mode of exit to the simpler one of walking out of the front-door. As he came out on to the landing, however, he heard the sound of the opening and shutting of the hall door and of exuberant greetings in the hall.
Oh! Im so glad youve come, dear. And is this the baby! The duck! Well, den, hows oo, den? Goooo.
This was Williams mother.
Oh, crumbs! said William and retreated hastily. He sat down on his bed to wait till the coast was clear. Soon came the sound of footsteps ascending the stairs.
Oh, William, said his mother, as she entered his room, Mrs. Butlers come with her baby to spend the afternoon, and wed arranged to go out till tea-time with the baby, but shes got such a headache, Im insisting on her lying down for the afternoon in the drawing-room. But shes so worried about the baby not getting out this nice afternoon.
Oh! said William, without interest.
Well, cooks out and Emma has to get the tea and answer the door, and Ethels away, and I told Mrs. Butler I was sure you wouldnt mind taking the baby out for a bit in the perambulator!
William stared at her, speechless. The Medusas classic expression of horror was as nothing to Williams at that moment. Then he moistened his lips and spoke in a hoarse voice.
Me? he said. Me? Me take a baby out in a pram?
Well, dear, said his mother deprecatingly, I know its your half holiday, but youd be out of doors getting the fresh air, which is the great thing. Its a nice baby and a nice pram and not heavy to push, and Mrs. Butler would be so grateful to you.
Yes, I should think shed be that, said William bitterly. Shed have a right to be that if I took the baby out in a pram.
Now, William, Im sure youd like to help, and Im sure you wouldnt like your father to hear that you wouldnt even do a little thing like that for poor Mrs. Butler. And shes got such a headache.
A little thing like that! repeated William out of the bitterness of his soul.
But the Fates were closing round him. He was aware that he would know no peace till he had done the horrible thing demanded of him. Sorrowfully and reluctantly he bowed to the inevitable.
All right, he muttered, Ill be down in a minute.
He heard them fussing over the baby in the hall. Then he heard his elder brothers voice.
You surely dont mean to say, mother, Robert was saying with the crushing superiority of eighteen, that youre going to trust that child toWilliam.
Well, said Williams mother, someone has to take him out. Its such a lovely afternoon. Im sure its very kind of William, on his half-holiday, too. And shes got such a headache.
Well, of course, said Robert in the voice of one who washes his hands of all further responsibility, you know William as well as I do.
Oh, dear! sighed Williams mother. And everything so nicely settled, Robert, and you must come and find fault with it all. If you dont want William to take him out, will you take him out yourself?
Robert retreated hastily to the dining-room and continued the conversation from a distance.
I dont want to take him out myselfthanks very much, all the same! All I say isyou know William as well as I do. Im not finding fault with anything. I simply am stating a fact.
Then William came downstairs.
Here he is, dear, all ready for you, and you neednt go far awayjust up and down the road, if you like, but stay out till tea-time. Hes a dear little baby, isnt he? And isnt it a nice Willy-Billy den, to take it out a nice ta-ta, while its mummy goes bye-byes, den?
William blushed for pure shame.
He pushed the pram down to the end of the road and round the corner. In comparison with Williams feelings, the feelings of some of the early martyrs must have been pure bliss. A nice way for an Outlaw to spend the afternoon! He dreaded to meet any of his brother-outlaws, yet, irresistibly and as a magnet, their meeting-place attracted him. He wheeled the pram off the road and down the country lane towards the field which held their sacred barn. He stopped at the stile that led into the field and gazed wistfully across to the barn in the distance. The infant sat and sucked its thumb and stared at him. Finally it began to converse.
Blabblabblabblabblubblubblub!
Oh, you shut up! said William crushingly.
Annoyed at the prolonged halt, it seized its pram cover, pulled it off its hooks, and threw it into the road. While William was picking it up, it threw the pillow on to his head. Then it chuckled. William began to conceive an active dislike of it. Suddenly the Great Idea came to him. His face cleared. He took a piece of string from his pocket and tied the pram carefully to the railings. Then, lifting the baby cautiously and gingerly out, he climbed the stile with it and set off across the fields towards the barn. He held the baby to his chest with both arms clasped tightly round its waist. Its feet dangled in the air. It occupied the time by kicking William in the stomach, pulling his hair, and putting its fingers in his eyes.
It beats me, panted William to himself, what people see in babies! Scratchin an kickin and blindin folks and pullin their hair all out!
When he entered the barn he was greeted by a sudden silence.
Look here! began one outlaw in righteous indignation.
Its a kidnap, said William, triumphantly. Well get a ransom on it.
They gazed at him in awed admiration. This was surely the cream of outlawry. He set the infant on the ground, where it toddled for a few steps and sat down suddenly and violently. It then stared fixedly at the tallest boy present and smiled seraphically.
Daddaddaddaddad!
Douglas, the tallest boy, grinned sheepishly. It thinks Im its father, he explained complacently to the company.
Well, said Henry, who was Williams rival for the leadership of the Outlaws, What do we do first? Thats the question.
In books, said the outlaw called Ginger, they write a note to its people and say they want a ransom.
We wont do thatnot just yet, said William hastily.
Well, its not much sense holdin somethin up to ransom and not tellin the folks that theyve got to pay nor nothin, is it? said Ginger with the final air of a man whose logic is unassailable.
Noo, said William. But with a gleam of hopewhos got a paper and pencil? Im simply statin a fact. Whos got a paper and pencil?
No one spoke.
Oh, yes! went on William in triumph. Go on! Write a note. Write a note without paper and pencil, and well all watch. Huh!
Well, said Ginger sulkily, I dont spose they had paper and pencils in outlaw days. They werent invented. They wrote ononon leaves or something, he ended vaguely.
Well, go on. Write on leaves, said William still more triumphant. Were not stoppin you are we? Im simply statin a fact. Write on leaves.
They were interrupted by a yell of pain from Douglas. Flattered by the parental relations so promptly established by the baby, he had ventured to make its further acquaintance. With vague memories of his mothers treatment of infants, he had inserted a finger in its mouth. The infant happened to possess four front teeth, two upper and two lower, and they closed like a vice upon Douglas finger. He was now examining the marks.
Look! Right deep down! See it? Wotcher think of that! Nearly to the bone! Pretty savage baby youve brought along, he said to William.
I jolly well know that, said William feelingly. Its your own fault for touching it. Its all right if you leave it alone. Just dont touch it, thats all. Anyway, its mine, and I never said you could go fooling about with it, did I? It wouldnt bite me, I bet!
Well, what about the ransom? persisted Henry.
Someone can go and tell its people and bring back the ransom, suggested Ginger.
There was a short silence. Then Douglas took his injured finger from his mouth and asked pertinently:
Who?
William brought it, suggested Henry.
Yes, so I bet Ive done my share.
Well, whats anyone else goin to do, Id like to know? Go round to every house in this old place and ask if theyve had a baby taken off them and if theyd pay a ransom for it back? Thats sense, isnt it? You know where you got it from, dont you, and you can go and get its ransom.
I can, but Im not goin to, said William finally. Im simply statin a fact. Im not goin to. And if anyone says I darent, (glancing round pugnaciously) Ill fight em for it.
No one said he darent. The fact was too patent to need stating. Henry hastily changed the subject.
Anyway, what have we brought for the feast?
William produced his licorice water and half cake, Douglas two slices of raw ham and a dog biscuit, Ginger some popcorn and some cold boiled potatoes wrapped up in newspaper, Henry a cold apple dumpling and a small bottle of paraffin-oil.
I knew the wood would be wet after the rain. Its to make the fire burn. Thats sense, isnt it?
Only one thing to cook, said Ginger sadly, looking at the slices of ham.
We can cook up the potatoes and the dumpling. They dont look half enough cooked. Lets put them on the floor here, and go out for adventures first. All different ways and back in a quarter of an hour.
The Outlaws generally spent part of the afternoon dispersed in search of adventure. So far they had wooed the Goddess of Danger chiefly by trespassing on the ground of irascible farmers in hopes of a chase which were generally fulfilled.
They deposited their store on the ground in a corner of the barn, and with a glance at the kidnap, who was seated happily upon the floor engaged in chewing its hat-strings, they went out, carefully closing the door.
After a quarter of an hour Ginger and William arrived at the door simultaneously from opposite directions.
Any luck?
No.
Same here. Lets start the old fire going.
They opened the door and went in. The infant was sitting on the floor among the stores, or rather among what was left of the stores. There was paraffin-oil on its hair, face, arms, frock and feet. It was drenched in paraffin-oil. The empty bottle and its hat lay by its side. Mingled with the paraffin-oil all over its person was cold boiled potato. It was holding the apple-dumpling in its hand.
Ball! it announced ecstatically from behind its mask of potato and paraffin-oil.
They stood in silence for a minute. Then, Whos going to make that fire burn now? said Ginger, glaring at the empty bottle.
Yes, said William slowly, an whos goin to take that baby home? Im simply statin a fact. Whos goin to take that baby home?
There was no doubt that when William condescended to adopt a phrase from any of his familys vocabularies, he considerably overworked it.
Well, it did it itself. Its no one elses fault, is it?
No, its not, said William. But thats the sort of thing folks never see. Anyway, Im goin to wash its face.
What with?
William took out his grimy handkerchief and advanced upon his prey. His bottle of licorice water was lying untouched in the corner. He took out the cork.
Goin to wash it in that dirty stuff?
Its made of waterclean waterI made it myself, so I bet I ought to know, oughtnt I? Thats what folks wash in, isnt it?clean water?
Yes, bitterly, and what are we goin to drink, Id like to know? Youd think that baby had got enough of our stuffour potatoes and our apple-dumpling, an our oilwithout you goin an givin it our licorice water as well.
William was passing his handkerchief, moistened with licorice water, over the surface of the babys face. The baby had caught a corner of it firmly between its teeth and refused to release it.
If youd got to take this baby home like this, he said, you wouldnt be thinking much about drinking licorice water. Im simply statin
Oh, shut up saying that! said Ginger in sudden exasperation. Im sick of it.
At that moment the door was flung open and in walked slowly a large cow closely followed by Henry and Douglas.
Henrys face was one triumphant beam. He felt that his prestige, eclipsed by Williams kidnapping coup, was restored.
Ive brought a cow, he announced, fetched it all the way from Farmer Littons fieldfive fields off, too, an it took some fetching, too.
Well, what for? said William after a moments silence.
Henry gave a superior laugh.
What for! Youve not read much about outlaws, I guess. They always drove in cattle from the surroundin districks.
Well, what for? said William again, giving a tug at his handkerchief, which the infant still refused to release.
Wellerwellto kill an roast, I suppose, said Henry lamely.
Well, go on, said William. Kill it an roast it. Were not stoppin you, are we? Kill it an roast itan get hung for murder. I spose its murder to kill cows same as it is to kill peoplecept for butchers.
The cow advanced slowly and deprecatingly towards the kidnap, who promptly dropped the handkerchief and beamed with joy.
Bow-wow! it said excitedly.
Anyway, lets get on with the feast, said Douglas.
Feast! echoed Ginger bitterly. Feast! Not much feast left! That baby William broughts used all the paraffin-oil and potatoes, and its squashed the apple-dumpling, and Williams washed its face in the licorice water.
Henry gazed at it dispassionately and judicially.
Yesit looks like as if someone had washed it in licorice waterand as if it had used up all the oil and potatoes. It doesnt look like as if it would fetch much ransom. You seem to have pretty well mucked it up.
Oh, shut up about the baby, said William picking up his damp and now prune-coloured handkerchief. Im just about sick of it. Come on with the fire.
They made a little pile of twigs in the field and began the process of lighting it.
I hope that cow wont hurt the kidnap, said Douglas suddenly. Go and see, William; its your kidnap.
Well, an its Henrys cow, and Im sorry for that cow if it tries playin tricks on that baby.
But he rose from his knees reluctantly, and threw open the barn door. The cow and the baby were still gazing admiringly at each other. From the cows mouth at the end of a long, sodden ribbon, hung the chewed remains of the babys hat. The baby was holding up the dog biscuit and crowed delightfully as the cow bent down its head and cautiously and gingerly smelt it. As William entered, the cow turned round and switched its tail against the babys head. At the piercing howl that followed, the whole band of outlaws entered the barn.
What are you doing to the poor little thing? said Douglas to William.
Its Henrys cow, said William despairingly. It hit it. Oh, go on, shut up! Do shut up.
The howls redoubled.
You brought it, said Henry accusingly, raising his voice to be heard above the babys fury and indignation. Cant you stop it? Not much sense taking babies about if you dont know how to stop em crying!
The baby was now purple in the face.
The Outlaws stood around and watched it helplessly.
Praps its hungry, suggested Douglas.
He took up the half cake from the remains of the stores and held it out tentatively to the baby. The baby stopped crying suddenly.
Daddaddaddaddad, it said tearfully.
Douglas blushed and grinned.
Keeps on thinking Im its father, he said with conscious superiority. Here, like some cake?
The baby broke off a handful and conveyed it to its mouth.
Its eating it, cried Douglas in shrill excitement. After thoroughly masticating it, however, the baby repented of its condescension and ejected the mouthful in several instalments.
William blushed for it.
Oh, come on, lets go and look at the fire, he said weakly.
They left the barn and returned to the scene of the fire-lighting. The cow, still swinging the remains of the babys hat from its mouth, was standing with its front feet firmly planted on the remains of what had been a promising fire.
Look! cried William, in undisguised pleasure. Look at Henrys cow! Pretty nice sort of cow youve brought, Henry. Not much sense taking cows about if you cant stop them puttin folks fires out.
After a heated argument, the Outlaws turned their attention to the cow. The cow refused to be shood off. It simply stood immovable and stared them out. Ginger approached cautiously and gave it a little push. It switched its tail into his eye and continued to munch the babys hat-string. Upon Williams approaching it lowered its head, and William retreated hastily. At last they set off to collect some fresh wood and light a fresh fire. Soon they were blissfully consuming two blackened slices of ham, the popcorn, and what was left of the cake.
After the feast, Ginger and William, as Wild Indians, attacked the barn, which was defended by Douglas and Henry. The kidnap crawled round inside on all fours, picking up any treasures it might come across en route and testing their effect on its palate.
Occasionally it carried on a conversation with its defenders, bringing with it a strong perfume of paraffin oil as it approached.
BlabblabblabblabblubblubDaddaddaddaddad. Goooo.
William had insisted on a place on the attacking side.
I couldnt put any feelin, he explained, into fightin for that baby.
When they finally decided to set off homewards, William gazed hopelessly at his charge. Its appearance defies description. For many years afterwards William associated babies in his mind with paraffin-oil and potato.
Just help me get the potato out of its hair, he pleaded; never mind the oil and the rest of it.
My hat! doesnt it smell funny!and doesnt it look funnyall oil and potato and bits of cake! said Ginger.
Oh! shut up about it, said William irritably.
The cow followed them down to the stile and watched them sardonically as they climbed it.
Bow-wow! murmured the baby in affectionate farewell.
William looked wildly round for the pram, butthe pram was goneonly the piece of string dangled from the railings.
Crumbs! said William, Talk about bad luck! Im simply statin a fact. Talk about bad luck!
At that minute the pram appeared, charging down the hill at full speed with a cargo of small boys. At the bottom of the hill it overturned into a ditch accompanied by its cargo. To judge from its appearance, it had passed the afternoon performing the operation.
Thats my pram! said William to the cargo, as it emerged, joyfully, from the ditch.
Garn! Sours! We found it.
Well, I left it there.
Come on! Well fight for it, said Ginger, rolling up his sleeves in a businesslike manner. The other Outlaws followed his example. The prams cargo eyed them appraisingly.
Oh, all right! Take your rotten old pram! they said at last.
Douglas placed the baby in its seat and William thoughtfully put up the hood to shield his charge as far as possible from the curious gaze of the passers-by. His charge was now chewing the pram cover and talking excitedly to itself. With a heart steeled for any fate William turned the corner into his own road. The babys mother was standing at his gate.
There you are! she called. I was getting quite anxious. Thank you so much, dear.
BUT THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID BEFORE SHE SAW THE BABY!